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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29256249">your hands</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/vocalscars/pseuds/vocalscars'>vocalscars</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Crystar (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Holding Hands, Hurt/Comfort, Incest, Sibling Incest</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:21:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,613</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29256249</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/vocalscars/pseuds/vocalscars</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>sometimes a little bit of familiar body heat can soothe even the deepest wounds.</p>
<p>rei's having a breakdown, and mirai's still learning how to handle it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hatada Mirai/Hatada Rei</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>your hands</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>a cacophony of sobbing, rustling bedsheets, and elbows bumping haphazardly into walls - rei is a flurry of emotions as she breaks down on her bed, head melting with the memories of three timelines messily meshed together and flashbacks that don’t belong to her. mirai leans against rei’s doorframe, helplessly watching on as her older sister tumbles through the hurricane, biting her nails anxiously, eyes dark with worry. rei always used to be so quiet, and after mirai was revived, perhaps even genuinely happy for a while… but now these sorts of meltdowns were at least a weekly occurrence as the weight of their time in purgatory began to sink in. mirai’s once quiet and depressed older sister was now much more depressed, and much louder about it. mirai doesn’t know how to handle the new pattern.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>rei’s crying slowly fades in volume as mirai’s mind exits reality into a thick fog, imagery floating through her mind of looking up towards rei’s bedroom door and wishing she would come out to rescue her as her parents verbally degrade her, seven years old and shaking on the living room floor. passively, she wonders if this is how rei felt, unable to help as she heard the crying. the screaming. something about her being a useless child is yelled at her from far away. mirai ignores it. she’s 12 now, she thinks to herself, definitely old enough to handle this. she needs to understand it now, or else she’s never going to be a good sister.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>mirai blinks awake lying on rei’s bedroom floor, the doorway a foot away. “MIRAI!” echoes in her ears. she stares at the ceiling, wondering how she ended up on the floor. “mirai,” the voice says again, softer than before. this time, her brain clicks, and she sits up with a start, heart racing, turning around to face rei who’s sitting on the edge of her bed with a bruised arm. her eyes are glassy with tears, and mirai stares at rei with wide, feeling eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“mirai,” she repeats, her lower lip visibly trembling, shaking so hard her teeth can be heard chattering slightly together. her hands reflexively grip bedsheets, settling only to tense up again right afterwards. she shifts her legs around in discomfort, like existing in her own skin is difficult and she’s trying to escape. mirai searches her eyes for an explanation, any direction of what to do, but nothing becomes of it other than rei saying her name over and over between stuttered breaths as if her just saying it is going to make mirai understand what she needs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>mirai shakes uselessly, scrunching up the fabric of her skirt in her anxious grip. all she wants to do is be the capable little sister she always is, loving and taking care of rei always. she should be old enough to handle this now, she should have learned something from purgatory - for heaven’s sake, rei even convinced her to stay alive when she was intending to commit suicide via reincarnation! there’s no reason to be weak now, she thinks, and yet tears well up in her eyes and somehow her body feels incredibly small. ever since obtaining revival, she's been so much less capable. she hates it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>their gazes remain locked, rei searching mirai desperately and mirai not wanting to lose that attention. that attention is all she ever wanted, so why does it hurt so much now? why is this so hard? she never wanted to see her precious rei hurting like this. she digs her feet into the floor, tension building in her limbs as the feeling of being completely useless digs into her like claws. it reminds her of what her parents told her she was. she wonders if they were right, and she would always be unworthy of being rei’s sister. if things were going to be like this forever, maybe she died when she was nine for nothing, and maybe she’s alive for nothing. all she can do is stare into rei’s eyes and whimper out a pitiful “nee-chan” before tears start silently falling out of her eyes and her mouth shuts closed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>a mangled sob escapes rei’s lips in response as she suddenly slides off her bed and down onto the floor to pull mirai into a frantic and tight hug. mirai exhales in surprise, breathless, blinking away some tears. despite rei doing this a few times in the past few weeks, she’s still not used to rei initiating any sort of physical contact with her instead of the other way around, and it takes her by surprise every time. it’s not until rei hiccups from crying right into her shoulder that she remembers to return the gesture, wrapping her arms around rei and drinking in her sister’s body heat. suddenly her thoughts of being useless are forcibly cut off by her familiar childish desire to have rei all to herself, and she struggles to think of anything but the feeling of rei’s heartbeat right under her shirt, so close that mirai can feel it. her eyes dilate and her body relaxes as she feels the </span>
  <em>
    <span>ba-dump</span>
  </em>
  <span> of rei’s heart right against her chest, making her drowsy like a lullaby. it affects rei as well, her sobbing turning into hiccuping and then into just sniffling, the once panicked beating in her chest slowing into a more normal rhythm. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump...</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“ow!” rei suddenly squeaks. mirai jolts out of her trance, realizing that she was digging her nails into rei’s sides. she relaxes her hands and sets them back onto rei’s lower back, nuzzling her face into rei’s shirt in a more comfortable position, staining the fabric slightly with her tears. rei doesn’t mind, having cried all over the back of mirai’s sweater. her hands tap on mirai’s back absentmindedly, slightly nervous.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“sorry, onee-chan…” mirai trails off, not knowing what to say other than that. the energy in the room has noticeably slowed down for both of them, the hug sedating their breakdowns, leaving them awkward without the words to explain themselves. by holding each other, they bleed an open wound, but that wound is no longer being inflicted. it takes a long time for anyone to speak up, until mirai suddenly realizes that she never even asked what was wrong because of immediately devolving into her own spiral.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“what’s wrong, rei-rei?” despite everything, mirai smiles into rei’s chest so she can feel it, happy to feel like she has direction in what she’s doing again. her head feels a little bit clearer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>rei takes a deep breath. “the usual memories,” she answers, her voice shaky and hoarse from just crying a few moments ago. she takes another breath, struggling even more to spit out her next sentence. “i’m sorry for losing control again. i hate doing this to you... i know you don’t deal well with the sound of screaming and crying.” her voice is laced with a deep guilt mirai doesn’t fully understand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>she swallows, grinding her teeth and focusing on rei’s warmth again to quell the incoming rush of memories of her own self screaming and crying years ago, threatening to make her start spiraling again. a few rubs of rei’s shirt and a couple deep breaths, and she’s able to speak again. “it’s okay,” mirai responds simply. “i’m not mad at you, nee-chan.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>rei leans back to leave the hug and mirai leans forward to try to keep her in, but rei slips out of her arms. she whines like a toddler having her plushie taken away, but keeps herself together enough to look up and wait for whatever rei’s going to say despite herself. why does she look so incredibly guilty? mirai said it was okay…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“maybe you </span>
  <em>
    <span>should</span>
  </em>
  <span> be mad at me, mirai.” mirai opens her mouth to defy that statement, but rei continues before she can say it. “you’ve taken care of me for so long, and yet your useless older sister is having meltdowns in front of you still. isn’t that messed up of me?” rei backs up another inch, feeling undeserving of mirai’s presence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it stings. mirai feels hurt. “i didn’t come back for you to blame yourself for all of this… i </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted</span>
  </em>
  <span> to take care of you, because i wanted to see you smile… cause onee-chan’s smile is my favorite thing in the world! there’s no way you could have known what happened to me cause i never told you. i didn’t take care of you for years just for you to feel guilty about it!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>rei’s mouth goes dry. she has to lick the roof of her mouth before she can respond. “you’re right, i didn’t know about you dying the first time.” she blinks away memories of mirai driving off the road from her perspective, shuddering. “but i remember what things were like before mom and dad died. i should have pulled myself together, taken care of you when you deserved it most, but i just… didn’t. i was stupid and incapable. i guess i still am. any normal person would have done better.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“onee-chan!” mirai exclaims, more assertively than before. “since when have we ever been normal? don’t tell me that all my efforts didn’t mean anything!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“that’s not what i-” rei begins, but mirai cuts her back off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“if you blame yourself for all the meals i fed you, all of the smiles i provided you, all of the care i gave you, then i won’t have anything left! please, onee-chan… please don’t tell me i did all that for nothing.” rei droops, understanding, inching closer to mirai again so their knees touch. she gazes at mirai sadly. “i love you, rei. i only achieved revival the first time because i wanted to see you smile again. i don’t want that to be all for nothing. i wanted to do it. so please… please…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“mirai.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>rei suddenly saying her name makes her stop her train of thought. her voice cracks when she asks, “what?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“do you want to hold hands?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>mirai stops breathing, but then exhales, looking down to gather herself and then looking back up at rei with a small smile. her heart skips a beat. they haven’t done this since mirai was revived, it just somehow fell out of both of their minds while dealing with everything. how could she have forgotten? “yeah, i want to.” she gazes at rei expectantly, knowing exactly what was going to happen next. they’ve done this ritual ever since they were kids as a way to calm each other down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“okay.” rei and mirai both move into position, sitting up straight on their knees which touch at the front, hands on their laps, palms down, looking right into each other’s eyes. “put your hands on my shoulders,” rei commands softly, rehearsed. as expected, without taking her eyes off of rei’s, she places both her hands onto rei’s shoulders, gripping them firmly, but with care. rei lifts her arms to put her hands right on top of mirai’s so they’re clasped over her fingers and her own shoulders at once. “good. can you feel the warmth of my hands?” she smiles ever so slightly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>mirai’s eyes sparkle, filling with light, taking a long moment to feel the pressure on her fingers. just through that touch, she can tell rei appreciates her and what she’s done for her. she knows it. just like always. she exhales contentedly. “mhm, i can feel it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>rei pulls on mirai’s hands so that she’s holding them in the air right between them. she gives them a gentle squeeze. “your onee-chan loves you very much.” her words make the bad memories melt away, even if only temporarily. everything in mirai’s vision is replaced by rei and rei alone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“and i love my onee-chan just as much!” mirai feels a muscle relax in her face that she didn’t know she was still tensing. she pulls her hands out of rei’s grasp only to hold her wrists, placing them on top at first and then circling around them so she’s hanging on them from underneath. she rubs circles on the skin with her thumbs, the small motion soothing both of them. mirai feels her eyes droop sleepily, just a little. rei’s wrists are so small… they haven’t fleshed out any more since rei was around eight years old. it’s familiar.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>mirai continues until a certain amount of time passes. there is no exact number of seconds, but they both know when to move at the same time. mirai fully drags rei’s arms down, and they interlace their fingers together right on top of rei’s skirt. they both squeeze tightly once, and then just leave them there, rubbing each of their thumbs against the other’s.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i promise i’ll never leave you,” rei affirms. mirai smiles. she’s kept that promise since she first gave it when mirai was just three years old, and didn’t know what “leaving” meant yet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“and i’ll never leave you either!” mirai finishes, giving rei’s hands one last squeeze, ending the ritual, as they finally break the handhold. mirai blinks, realizing how much calmer she feels despite her face feeling weird from dried tears. rei’s smiling too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...i really do mean it, mirai. i will never leave you.” mirai giggles a bit, making rei look at her with confusion. “...what?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“of course i know, silly. you’ve meant that since you said it the first time. if you left me you would have already.” another giggle.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>rei sighs, amused by how upbeat mirai suddenly seemed about the whole thing. “yeah, i guess so. hey,” she begins, changing topic. “i know we can’t fix this all at once, but… i want to. i think we can do it, together. from now on, if one of us starts crying like that, maybe we should hold hands. i can’t promise it’ll be perfect, but…” she trails off awkwardly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i know,” mirai continues for her. “i want to hold hands lots more too! onee-chan’s so cute when she smiles!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...don’t take this opportunity to tease me, mirai…” rei’s face flushes with indignation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>mirai keeps talking. “hey, you know how you said you felt bad for having me take care of you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>rei’s face looks slightly anxious again, unsure of what’s coming next. “yeah?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“well, in that case, want to help me cook? we haven’t eaten yet. maybe you can make your own lunch once in a while!” mirai sticks her tongue out at rei, intentionally teasing her about her nonexistent cooking abilities. however, instead of looking embarrassed, rei just sort of laughs and responds with a wholehearted “sure,” appearing relieved, which leaves mirai blushing more than rei for once. it’s so rare that she gets to hear her onee-chan laugh. she shakes off the feelings that make her heart race. one day rei will understand it, but for now, she wants to show rei how to peel potatoes, cause she knows rei isn’t going to get motivated to make anything else for herself anytime soon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>when they leave rei’s bedroom to head for the kitchen, stomachs gnawing with hunger from the whirlwind of emotions they just experienced, rei is absentmindedly holding onto mirai’s sleeve for safety. </span>
  <em>
    <span>okay,</span>
  </em>
  <span> mirai thinks to herself,</span>
  <em>
    <span> maybe she’ll understand sooner than i thought. </span>
  </em>
  <span>she wonders to herself if things will ever truly be okay as they settle into a cooking routine, but is interrupted by rei yelling in pain and the clatter of a kitchen utensil. she’s cut her finger while trying to use the peeler. the emotions can wait until another breakdown.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>mirai giggles. “dummy nee-chan, let me show you how to do it again!”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i wrote this all in one sitting while tired and while i've proofread it for typos i have no idea if this is coherent or Good. i just randomly got the drive again to explore these two's feelings after the ending of the game in a world where mirai obtains revival, and her and rei have to deal with their trauma, which doesn't always go smoothly. i also just really wanted to elaborate on the hand holding motif, expanding it into a ritual they did as kids to cope with having Shitty Parents. i sure do wish this game had a fandom, even if small, cause god i have so many feelings about the crystar girls haha...</p></blockquote></div></div>
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